Mum To Be
Getting Old Is Better Than It’s Cracked Up To Be by Geoff Tomkins
As the years go by, one by one, I feel the effects on my body. I wake up sore from nothing except my age, and perhaps my wife, as well as forgetting my age on a daily basis. Now, is this a sad thing? No, not at all.
As age creeps up, I now have the ability to deny I ever heard my wife telling me anything and just blame it on hearing loss. When she asks for chores to be done during the world cup, I simply, instantly, get rigamortis in my hands and complain that the arthritis medication must not be working properly, and voila, I am back to watching the match with a pint and a straw because she thinks I cannot lift the glass on account of my arthritis. The key is to give a convincing performance, lest you be cursed to never use that excuse again.
Now, a sensitive subject for most of us chaps is hair loss. This I assure you is your most powerful defense against the foe, spousal activities. Now she may plea for you to perform some type of hair loss treatment for men. Now that you’re not forced to groom and wash and preen your hair, the more time is left for the pub, some rugby and did I mention the pub? But aside from the extra time that is available to yourself, the benefits of being bald do not stop there. I myself have a balding head and one hat to cover it with. I have only one hat because it affords me great opportunities to miss visits to her Mum’s house on Sundays by simply “misplacing” my hat and denying I will go out in public without it. It may sound childish, but that is because it is. Women believe us men are as self-conscious about going bald as they are about gaining a few pounds. Women use weight gain to trap us into holes we cannot get out of. We have waited long enough to go bald. We have earned the right to use our baldness as a weapon.
Use your age to your advantage because it is only a downer if you let it be. I have more fun in my old age than I ever did when I was a lad. I can do things that are unacceptable and people just believe I am senile. Cursing at children and saying outrageous statements are my newest hobbies and I have developed quite my own style. The children will just stand bug-eyed and bewildered, while people are left speechless at one of my outlandish comments. If the wife is on my arm during these situations, another level of intrigue is added to the interaction and will usually result with myself getting hit by my wives handbag. It is a cheap and always plentiful source of entertainment for myself. Being retired affords me these many opportunities and I try to make the most out of each one. Enjoy your age and have fun with it. Life is truly too short for us bald chaps to take it seriously.
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544 days old waiting for Mum to be home holding onto Mum’s pajamas
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